So, I'm counting down the hours until I get to find out whether my baby will be wearing dresses or suspenders (for those of you who don't know my dad -- the suspender thing runs in the family)! I keep playing that soon-to-be-moment over and over again just imagining what its going to be like. Obviously we will be SO thrilled either way, I just want to know!

Kyle has to bring home the envelope tomorrow night since hes off work Thursday and Friday -- how am I going to stay away from it?! Hardest. Two. Days. Ever.

I love feeling the baby kick. Its so relaxing and reassuring. I'll admit, there are times -- when I'm trying to sleep namely -- that I'd like it to cool it, but there really is nothing like it. Its getting to the point now that I can even see my belly giggle when it really gets going. I could stare at my belly for hours.

AND, we bought our first pieces of baby furniture last night. God bless Kyle. I started to get stressed last night when I realized the furniture I had originally picked out was junk. I hadn't really read the reviews I guess because once I did I realized quickly it wasn't the way to go. So, Kyle made me jump in the car at 9:00pm to "just go look" at Babies R Us. We ended finding the crib and a "baby" armoire that was on clearance. With the coupon I had, it was a deal that was meant to be.

Now we have the wainscoting on the wall and two of the four pieces of furniture and I love it. The nursery is starting to come together and I can start to picture my little one all cozy in there. Now, I just have to find out which way I'll be decorating!!

Kyle felt the baby kick! Not the most sentimental moment, but still a milestone.

We were in the $1 movie theatre (which costs $2 now) watching "The Hangover" and the baby was going crazy. He got to feel the "pop, pop" a couple times.

Very fun.

Its been brought to my attention that I haven't given an update in awhile:) My life feels like its been a bit out of control these last couple weeks.

First, we went on a fantastic cruise with Kyle's family. We were supposed to go to Ocho Rios, Jamaica and Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands, but due to a sleepy propeller system they changed our itinerary the day before we left to Half Moon Cay and Nassau, Bahamas. Have you ever heard of such a thing?! There was some uproar prior to boarding the ship, but after setting sail, its really hard to be mad at the mall on the blue water and the 80 degree weather. Take me anywhere, I don't care.

So, before I left my mom wasn't feeling great, but due to a recent Chron's Disease flare (or so we thought) I didn't feel bad leaving her because unfortunately this wasn't rare. I spoke with her last Saturday, from Miami, and although she wasn't feeling great told me that she was "better." Well, the next time I was able to call (at $3/min) was last Tuesday. You know its bad when your 17-year old sister answers the phone saying, "Don't freak out." Great.

Turns out mom had a perforated bowel. Scary. They removed two more sections of her bowel leaving her just enough to not need any sort of "waste bag." Thank goodness. So, they had done emergency surgery on Sunday while I was in the middle of the ocean. My sister is quite mature for her age, but I felt an immense amount of guilt that she had to figure this out without me. After all, she is just a kid.

Needless to say, since we got home last Thursday (turkey day with no turkey) I have spent most of my time helping my mom get on the road to recovery. She is better, but still has a long way to go.

---

On the baby front, half way tomorrow! Its hard to believe really. Our "big" u/s is next Thursday. Can't remember if I posted our plan or not, but we are going to have the Dr. write down the baby's sex on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope for us to open X-mas eve. Kyle is going to either have to bury the darn thing in the backyard or give it away for 2 weeks because I have zero willpower. What ever made me think I was going to be able to wait another 20 weeks to find out?!

I'm off work for almost 4 weeks around the holidays (I love education) so my plan is to start getting my ducks in a row. Start the nursery, the registry, that sort of thing. I figure I'm feeling pretty good now so I should probably take advantage while the gettin' is good.

So it turns out that all my worrying was for nothing -- thank goodness. My cervix is a normal length and it isn't funneling or dilating at all. Whew.

The Dr. was back to her normal-self so that was a relief, too. She was bubbly as ever and was completely understanding as to why I wanted this extra ultrasound. I understand we all have our bad days, docs included, so I forgive her.

I got to see my baby's spine! Since the ultrasound was really about the cervix and not the baby, we didn't spend too much time looking at our little "tater" (as my husband's family has taken to calling he/she), but we did get a special glimpse of all those little bones in there that have formed since our last ultrasound 6 weeks ago.

We scheduled our "big" u/s for December 10. We decided to ask the Dr. to write down the sex on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope for us to open on Christmas. I'm pretty excited about this idea (which I owe to my 17-year old sister) although I told Kyle he is either going to have to bury the envelope in the backyard or give it to someone else to hold onto because I will find it and I will open it despite my good intentions. Heck, I've even already tried to talk him into opening it on his birthday, Dec. 13, but just as I almost had him convinced he snapped out of it and reminded me that his birthday is for him and Christmas is for our family:) How can you argue with that?

Happy Thanksgiving to all. We will be on a boat this holiday headed down to the Caribbean. Doesn't get much better than that.

So, we had a sucky Dr.'s appointment yesterday. I have always loved my Dr. for how bubbly and sweet she is, but either she was already mad before we got there, or I pissed her off.

My cervix has undergone two separate, but related, surgeries one of which was an emergency repair surgery. So, naturally, I am worried about the strength of my cervix as the baby gets bigger and bigger. She originally told me that she would begin monitoring it at 20 weeks. That sounded fine at the time, but here I am, getting ready to board a cruise ship for the Caribbean in a week and I'm slightly nervous about the state of my cervix. So, it only seemed logical to me to have her check it before we left to ease my mind. Keep in mind, this is only 3 weeks earlier than she had planned on starting to monitor it anyway.

Well, when I brought up that I was starting to get worried about it she practically made me feel like I was asking for a kidney. How hard it is to do an extra ultrasound? Eventually, after some tears, she did offer up to do the extra ultrasound, but not super willingly. I left there feeling bad for standing up for myself, but that hardly seems fair. Yeah, my worry may be premature, but after the trauma I went through "down there" it isn't hard to believe that I can't quite shake the terror I have from imagining that my cervix is shortening too soon.

I go back in on Wednesday for the "extra" ultrasound, but now I'm dreading it even more. Partially because I fear the unknown, but also because I don't feel all that warm and fuzzy towards my Doc at the moment.

I had a silly meltdown yesterday. It didn't feel silly at the time, though, of course. I was supposed to have my 16-week Dr. appointment and they had to cancel at the last minute for a delivery. Instead of being understanding that we had to reschedule for Thursday, I broke down. Yes, it would have been reasonable to have been disappointed that I wasn't going to get to hear my baby's heartbeat that day, but it wasn't that reasonable to have the sobbing-fit that it resulted in.

One good thing came out of though, Kyle finally realized that there are just times when I need to him to just listen and not talk. I called him in tears and when he realized I didn't want his positive spin on things he said, "So, is this one of those times you just want me to listen and not talk?" Good job, honey.

Voting: check. Next on today's agenda: the H1N1 shot.

I'm really not looking forward to standing in line for hours at the community clinic, but at this point I'm running out of time to get it. We leave for a Turkey Day cruise in about 3 weeks minus the 2 weeks that it takes to protect you, so here we are at today's clinic.

I'm a slight hypochondriac, I feel nauseous already.

In other news, we are sneaking up on our 16 week appointment. People weren't kidding when they say how fast this goes!

I've never been much of a drinker, but that old adage about wanting what you can't have sure does ring true when you attend your college Homecoming and a Halloween costume party all in the same day. Luckily, my friends weren't into the boozing it up in the middle of the day this year at our Homecoming, so that was a blessing, but I would have definitely liked my costume to be as funny as the rest of the party thought it was by the end of the night.

Kyle and I went as Bacon and Eggs. Didn't mean the pun, but it just sorta worked.

I know everyone asks the doctor stupid questions, but I wish I hadn't made that phone call.

My sister-in-law really wants to get a spray tan for the cruise we are going on in November. Our thought was that it was sort of like make-up so what harm could it do while your pregnant, right? Wrong.

The nurse informed me that the skin is the biggest organ in the human body and the reason I can't get a spray tan is because I'm pregnant. Duh. I could have told you that. I guess it just seemed like maybe these things have gotten better over the years? She mine as well of said, "No, idiot, putting chemicals onto your skin is not good for your baby." Whoops.

2nd Tri

Yeah, I'm definitely not as good at this as I thought I would be, but I'm going to try and make more of an effort to keep up. I think part of my most recent absence had to do with the fact that I pretty much held my breath through the first trimester. However, now I feel more comfortable talking about my pregnancy and finally am starting to realize that this really is going to happen for us!

We had our 12-week ultrasound and WOW. Not only does he/she actually look like a baby this time, but we got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. What a rush, really. That was the moment when it felt completely real.

I came out this week, too, which has been fun. I told my extended family and my co-workers and now the word is slowly starting to leak into the other crevices of my life. It feels good to have such a big secret off of my chest.

AND, I'm starting to feel better. Other than the multiplying craters on my face, my other symptoms are starting to subside and although I still feel unusually tired, I'm not fighting to keep my eyes open all day, at least.

In desperate need of clothes: please help

I really wanted to wait until I was 12 weeks to buy any new clothes, but after the morning I had tearing through my closest, I can't wait anymore. I left for work feeling frumpy and not put together because my options were so slim. I had to wear an old skirt that I never really liked, not to mention I really don't like skirts in general. I am definitely more of a pant-girl and unless I want to wear that obnoxious Belly Band every day, I'm out of choices in that department.

I only have to go into work three days out of the week so I figure if I can get a least a few pairs of pants with some give, I'll be able to change up my outfits week to week enough that nobody will know I've been wearing the same three pairs of pants. And truthfully, I really don't care if they do.

I am going to go to the consignment maternity store with my very pregnant, and when I say very pregnant I mean she is a week away from her due date, friend. I'm sure she was surprised that I was giving into my self-enforced rule about waiting until week 12 was over, not just beginning, but she hasn't yet heard my tale of trying to get dressed this morning. She probably doesn't need to to know why I felt like its time to give in to the elastic waist.

Upcoming milestones

I'm feeling pretty good this week. A lot tired, but only a little nauseated. I'm liking the idea that my first trimester will be over next Friday. I remember when it felt like it was an eternity away, and I must say this is a much better feeling.

The following week we are going to Vermont to celebrate my grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary with my entire family. I have purposely held back telling my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins for that very trip -- to get to tell them in person. Its been hard to keep it quiet (and I can only hope my mom is telling the truth when she says she hasn't spilled the beans) but I know it will be so worth it to get to tell them all together and not over the phone. Our family is spread out from as far as California to North Carolina to Vermont to Ohio. It is a rare occasion that we are all in one place and for that I'm thankful that the timing really is perfect.

Firsts

Well, just when I was feeling like I may escape the nasty part of "morning" sickness, it hit me -- vomit. I wouldn't say I have felt great these last several weeks, but I was quite proud of not having lost my lunch. I've been nauseous on and off all day, but I've learned some tricks and have been managing. The vomit, though, put me over the edge. I commend women who do that everyday of their first trimester, and some their whole pregnancy. I'll be 10 weeks tomorrow which feels pretty good. I'm hoping what they say is true that after these next couple of weeks that I'll start to feel better.

Acne. I was one of those fortunate enough to know nothing about acne as a teenager, much less as an adult. Now, my face looks like that of a 16-year-old. I'm kinda bummed about it in all honesty. They hurt and, despite my attempts to cover those big red things up, they look like they hurt too. I know I'm going to have to start taking better care of my skin. No more going to bed with my makeup on I suppose. Or does that even matter with pregnancy acne? Thoughts?

Letting the cat out of the bag

Ok, so some of you are too smart for me and others of you may just have decided that I'm not going to be an avid blogger and have tuned out. Well, the truth is I am 8wks and 5 days pregnant.

I wasn't quite ready to shout it from the rooftops when we first found out and I hadn't really considered how that would effect my blog writing so I hid behind my true, yet excuse, of a schedule. I am still keeping it rather quiet, for those of you who I know in my real life, but I do feel worlds better today after getting to see my baby's heart pitter patter for the first time and hearing the doctor say that everything looked great.

I must say we were pleasantly surprised that it happened on month 3 of Clomid for us. Apparently our missing piece was the all important egg. I know that most women are cautiously excited these first several weeks, but I think that is why I am exhibiting extra caution right now because I feel like its almost too good to be true.

Don't get me wrong, I've never been so happy -- especially today -- but I do feel like its only smart to stay realistic. However, from what I've heard seeing the heartbeat drastically lowers your risks and that statistic is something that will likely get me through until my next Dr. appointment:)

Sorry for the absence!

I realize that I have badly neglected my blogging. With going back to work, taking on more hours and starting graduate school, needless to say, I have been swamped. Once thing calm down a bit in a couple weeks, I plan to resume to my regular routine!

Big week

Headed back to work this week. Man, this is going to be an interesting week. Three months off, taking on more hours the first few weeks of school, AND I'm starting graduate school next week. Talk about a major shock. Going from zero schedule to almost being over-booked. Not to mention I'm turning the big 2-8 this week.

In all honesty, though, I'm ready to get back into a regular schedule. I really wanted to be good at making my own hours, but at the end of the day, I'm just not. To give myself a little more credit, I have been slightly distracted this summer for obvious reasons so I'd like to think under different circumstances that my production level would have been much higher. Regardless, the summer has come to an end and I gave freelancing a shot (not necessarily a fair one) which is all I promised myself I would do.

And my students! I miss them! I am definitely looking forward to getting back in touch with them and living vicariously through them and remembering what it was like to think deciding what to eat in the cafeteria and what party to go to were the toughest decisions I'd ever make.

Oooh!

You know its got to be good news when the nurse on the other end of the phone asks you if you are sitting down. I O'd! Thank the lord. My progesterone went from a 0.6 to a 24.5! What a relief. To know that I actually responded to the meds (for sure) is such a weight lifted.

Of course, I immediately felt pregnant. I told Kyle that his little guys were probably so excited to see something new floating around down there (an egg) that they probably all went running. In all honesty, although I would be elated to be pregnant, all I was really pulling for this cycle was an O. To ask for any more than that at this point seems greedy.

My Fertility Friend

For those of you who don't know, Fertility Friend is an online program that you can use to chart your fertility signs for each cycle. It takes a lot of the manual work out of charting your temps and it makes for a nice place to keep track of all the pertinent info.

Well, my friend thinks I've O'd. Wouldn't that be nice if thats all it took? Although, this is the first time that its ever speculated an ovulatory pattern so my hopes are heightened at least a little that its a possibility my parts did their job this cycle. I've seen other people's red lines appear indicating their O date, but mine has remained lineless, until today. I was almost shocked, truthfully. I entered my temp from this morning and all of sudden it started doing things I've never seen it do before. I was half asleep and slightly confused until I realized it said "O date: CD25". Wow, really?!

Now, of course, this isn't enough for the cynic in me, but it does boost my confidence a tad. I was supposed to go in for bloodwork tomorrow, but that was working on the assumption that I O'd last Friday. I actually just spoke with the nurse and she agrees that I likely O'd at the beginning of the week, pushing my bloodwork now to Tuesday.

One thing I am regretting to consider is, if I actually did O on CD 25, why did the Clomid take so long to work?! It is technically supposed to make you O 4-10 days after the last pill...mine would have been 16 days after my last pill. I'll take it, no doubt, but it does make me wonder, assuming I don't get pregnant this month, if they will still up my Clomid next cycle to make it happen earlier. Grrrr. The thought of 200mg of Clomid literally makes me cringe.

Temps: still up (!!)

Blood work: Friday

Spirits: lifted

Temps

So my temperatures are actually looking fairly promising this cycle. They have been slowly rising over the last week and reached just below my coverline today. Without delving too deep into temping jargon, basically your temps need to be above your coverline for at least three days in order to confirm ovulation. That means if my temps continue to rise as they have been then it is likely that I O'ed yesterday! I'm desperately trying not to read too much into it, however, this is my first temperature chart that even looked remotely promising.

I've actually grown to enjoy charting my temps. The first month I analyzed each lonely temperature when in fact its much more about the chart as a whole. After a few weeks you can see a pattern develop which, in theory, matches up with the hormone levels in your body. It has helped me to understand exponentially more about my body and about each cycle. And, it is much more reliable and has less room for error than peeing on OPKs. As long as you are pretty consistent (within 30 minutes) about the time you take your temperature when you wake up every morning it can provide you with some pretty concrete answers.

I first want to thank K-Tell for giving me the instructions for making such a fun new blog header. Not only is it fun to look at, but it was a lot of fun to make! Those who enjoy scrap booking will love ScrapBlog. Imagine having all of the decorative paper and stickers that you could ever want, but you don't have to pay the hefty price tag. Fun.

Its been a big week in our household. Not only are we still on a high after knowing there is no nasty cyst growing, as well as the fact things may even go our way this month, but, we also bought a new car! We definitely bought it preparing for what we hope is in our near future. Its more of a family car then what I was driving before and it has 4-wheel drive. With driving 20 miles one-way to work and now adding another 10 or so mile drive to graduate school in the Fall (!!) we decided I (and our hypothetical baby) would be safer. Take control of the things you actually can, right?

And, I *think* I got a positive OPK today. Yeah, I *think*. I say it that way because I've *thought* that before. And as crazy as I am about this sometimes I even wrapped the thing in tin foil, stuck it in a plastic baggie and made two of my nearest and dearest look at those frustrating little lines. They both agreed that it indeed was +, but of course I'm still skeptical. The Dr. said to call when/if I get a LH surge or on Friday (since today is already CD20)-- whichever came first. I think I'll go ahead and split the difference and call her tomorrow and tell her I *think* I got a +OPK. It sounded like either way they were going to test my progesterone Tues. or Wed. next week so whether I got a surge or not, my blood certainly won't lie.

Update

No cyst! Phew.

AND I actually have a mature follicle. Even better.

Now? Wait for the big "O"!

Keep those fingers crossed.

Waiting...

Waiting for the Dr. to call sucks as much as anything. As much as I try to occupy myself, knowing she could call at any time now has my heart beating faster and my stomach doing flips. I really don't know how to prepare myself for either scenario. Either its a cyst and we have to take some time off, but it could possibly give us some answers about whats going on, or its not a cyst and all this extra worry was for nothing.

So far this month, no positive OPK. I'm on CD 18 today. I'm starting to lose a little hope that things are actually going to work this cycle. I had really high hopes for this month, with the HSG and 150mg of Clomid and all. One possibility is that maybe I have been ovulating much past what is "normal". I'm considering holding off telling the Dr. that I haven't had a + OPK yet just to see if maybe its still on its way.

And so it continues

Just when I was feeling good about this month, we had a little set-back. The doctor called (herself, not the nurse) and told me that the Radiologist suspects I might have a cyst on my right ovary. Hmm. Apparently he can't see it on the x-ray, but the way the dye is "spilling" out of my tubes, its pouring over something. She said it could be nothing, or it could be something. The only way to know for sure is to have an ultrasound.

Fine, I'm fine with the ultrasound part -- after what I went through on Monday, I'm not phased -- its more emotional then anything. And a little anxiety, of course, but mostly I'm just bummed because I could feel my chances for things going well this month quickly slipping out of my reach as the dr. was talking. If it is a cyst, the chances of the Clomid working, along with the HSG, are null. And I'll never know if that cyst was there before or whether it was brought on by the meds. Grrr. Either way, I'm sure we are going to have to take some time off which is what frustrates me the most.

If one more person tells me that "its only been a few months" I am going to scream. I'm really not sure people hear me when I say that its not that I expected to be pregnant by now, I'm just asking for my flippin' parts to work. And the other thing about that is when you are taking serious meds, you can't just "kind of" try. You have to put your heart and soul into it which is extremely draining.

I had my first (major) emotional breakdown about all of this this week. All the frustration and attempts to stay positive, not to mention the extra boost of hormones, just came to a head. I think it was good, though. It made me feel a little better and it kind of set me back on the right track. I am desperately trying to remind myself that I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but when you are in the midst of it -- heart and soul -- its so hard to keep that in sight.

Ouch!

Boy, did that suck. I had my HSG procedure done yesterday where they basically "flush" out your fallopian tubes. Wow. Apparently it hurt worse for me because the dye took longer to spill out of one side. She thinks that that side was slightly twisted as well as blocked, but the dye was able to get it back in the right place as well as clear the blockage. Sweet. One more thing to check off the list, I guess, so that's good. I'm really glad that part is behind me.

I finished this cycle of Clomid on Saturday so I'll be in the testing phase this week. Again, always a mixed blessing. I get excited for this part at the prospect of things actually working, but I also get anxious because even those times I've thought things were doing their job, they in fact were not. Although, the doctor did say something yesterday that made me wonder if this HSG thing will actually do the trick. She said that just because my progesterone has been low 7 days after my LH surge, that that doesn't necessarily mean I'm not ovulating, it could just mean the process just never finishes -- which could be caused by a blocked and twisted tube.

Keep all the positive vibes you've got to spare headed my way!

Trying new things

I'm home from a great week with my grandparents in North Carolina. They live in this adorable retirement community that closely resembles a resort. We ate in the "Club House" every night for dinner, took their yappy dog for walks during the day, and lounged around on their porch chatting and reading. It was relaxing and gave me some really good quality time with my mom and sister as well as my awesome grandparents.

While we were there I got my (medically induced) period! Whoo hoo. That's true excitement, really. For most that means the annoying unwanted visitor, but for me it means the start of the next cycle. This cycle we tested Kyle -- he got rave reviews --, I have my HSG procedure scheduled for the 20th and my Clomid dosage has been bumped up another 50mg to a whopping 150mg. In addition to the medical things, I'm really interested in some of the natural ways to get your body back on track. I'm not so certain about the really radical herbs and such, but I do believe in this new Fertility Diet book I found while I was in NC. It is essentially the way I eat now, it just has you cutting out refined carbs, certain types of fats, and creating a different nutritional balance. The book is based on a study with 18,000+ nurses from all over the country so it seems pretty legit.

Another thing I'm trying, and I'm slightly embarrassed to admit this, is the Lunaception method. Remember, at this point I would just be thrilled to actually OVULATE. Lunaception is essentially a method centered around the moon. The idea is that you would sleep in complete darkness for days 1-13, then you would sleep with artificial moonlight (a nightlight, or hall light) for nights 14,15 and 16, and then you would go back to complete darkness. The thought is that your body would menstruate with the new moon during the first phase and then ovulate with the full moon in the middle of your cycle. Again, there have been a few studies where many women, after a few cycles, were able to regulate their cycles to correspond with the moon. Who knows, with an extra cover on the windows, it seems like its worth a try.

Clearly, I am trying to up my odds with every cycle. Any other ideas? I'll take 'em!

Midsummer Night's Dream

Happy 4th of July weekend! This is, and always has been, my favorite holiday. It stems from growing up in a community who has always had a large Independence Day celebration, with the heart of it steps from my parent's front lawn. It always felt like everyone was coming to "my" neighborhood, and I loved it. To this day, I love that I don't have to worry about parking and that I'm the one that can go set out the blanket early so we get a primo spot to watch the fireworks.

The 4th also marks the middle of the summer. How have I been off work for more then 6 weeks already?! What have I done? A lot really, it has just flown by! I still have another solid 6+ weeks to go, but I can't believe its half over. In all honesty, though, I'm looking forward to going back to work, and school! I miss my students, if you can believe that. I never thought I'd say "I miss work", but I do. I guess that's the joy of finding a job that you truly enjoy doing. And going back to school, although scares the shit out of me, is an exciting feeling. I always loved school, and now with a greater appreciation for education, I imagine I'll love it just as much, if not more.

Be careful with those fireworks...

Round 3

Being in between cycles was kind of nice this past week. No pills, no testing, just going about my day "normally". That ended Monday. I went in for bloodwork just so that they could tell me I wasn't pregnant in order to start the next cycle. Its kind of amusing, really. 'As far as we can tell, you didn't ovulate, but maybe you're pregnant.' Ha. I almost feel bad for the nurses every time we go through this drill because they think they are delivering bad news when in reality, I'd be shocked if they had said anything else!

So, I started the progesterone pills last night in order to have yet another medically induced period. Whatever, it feels good to be starting the next cycle. Especially since we added two additional tests this time. Kyle is a real trooper. He went in for 'his test' yesterday and was a really good sport about it. Not that I expected any different, but guys aren't as secure about all this testing as women, and as a friend of mine pointed out, its more socially taboo to talk about the guy's part in all of this. So, he went in, did his thing, and has remained in really good humor. It felt really nice, for once, to have some of this testing be his responsibility instead of mine.

Plans

Alright, so I feel pretty good about the plan that I've worked out with my Dr. Basically, we are just going to do my HSG (a dye test to clear out any potential blockages in the fallopian tubes) and Kyle's SA (semen analysis) a month early. She was totally fine with giving me an early referral to the specialist, but explained that I was going to need to have these tests done regardless so I could choose to do them with her or at the new practice. Since I adore by OB, yeah I know 'adore' is a strange word to be in the same sentence as 'OB' but for those of you who know my odd medical history it should make some sense, I chose to have her do my procedure.

So, then, the nurse explained that many women are "more fertile" during the cycle that they have the HSG done along with the following 2 or 3 cycles. The more we talked it seemed silly to 'waste' this opportunity to potentially be more fertile, so I'm going to go ahead with taking the 150 mg of Clomid for this next cycle. I'm slightly torn with the fact that I still won't be getting the additional monitoring for this next cycle, but at least I do feel like we are doing something more active then just taking the pills and waiting to see what happens.

Next Steps

There is something refreshing about standing up for yourself. Don't get me wrong, I love my doctor, but I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere and I really wanted to use my 6 'alotted' Clomid cycles wisely. When I called the nurse today to tell her that I'm not even having any PMS symptoms, much less a period, I also told her that I would like an early referral to the RE (reproductive endocronologist) so that I can receive more monitoring during my cycle. I was relieved when she all but encouraged my decision. It made me feel even more confidant that I made the right one.


Barring a 'no' from the doctor, the next step is to have a consult with the specialist. All the anxiety I was having about making that decision is long gone and I feel pretty good about doing something more active. Being able to know exactly what is going on down there every few days already makes me feel better -- even just at the prospect.

Home Sweet Home

We made it home safe and sound and, boy, am I happy to be home. We had a ball on vacation, but 10 days is a long time to live out of a suitcase -- especially when you are moving that suitcase around every few days.

Reality was definitely there to greet me when I got here, but I was going to have to face it at some point or another. I have a lot of work to do to make up for being away for so long so I'm going to try my darndest to focus this week! I know I need to make some decisions about what to do for our next cycle, but I'm just not quite ready to that.

I keep going back and forth about the pros and cons of staying with the OB for another cycle or asking to be referred a cycle early. My mom and Kyle have both urged me to ask my Dr. for an early referral, but for some reason I'm still not 100% sure that thats the best thing. The planner in me, of course, says "this isn't working..move on!", but the practical part of me is saying "its only been two months..be patient!" OK, I don't really hear voices in my head, but you get what I'm saying.

I'm supposed to call my OB if I don't get my period by today or tomorrow (I laughed out loud when the nurse asked me when I was expecting to get AF) so I'll need to make a decision soon.

A few East coast goodies

We are on stop #4 of our East coast trip and loving every minute of it. From a familiy wedding in the STATE of Delaware to Central Park, we've seen quite a bit in these last few days!



Enjoy some of my favorites so far:

Big Fat Nothing

Well, I'm sitting here in NYC and I can't help but be a little bummed. The doctor called today, no O. I was so bummed I didn't even ask her what my progesterone level was, all she said was "it wasn't good." Blah. A week ago I really thought I had O'd, but as my temperatures continued to fluctuate I had prepared myself that maybe it hadn't really happened. As prepared as I thought I was, my eyes stilled welled up in the middle of Chinatown -- great.

Now for some choices. The nurse said the plan would be to go up to 150mg of Clomid for next month along with a SA (semen analysis) and to clear out my tubes for any potential blockages. She also had me keep my (once hypothetical) consult on July 15 to discuss further options. My decision lies in the fact that my OB doesn't do further monitoring during the cycles such as ultra sounds -- I know, I know, some people think this is a big no-no, but I really trust my Dr. I sort of feel like OPKs obviously aren't working for me so in order to take out some of the guesswork I need some more monitoring. BUT, I don't want to jump the gun either just because I'm impatient. So, do I do another month with the OB or ask for a referral a month early?!

Grr. I'm so mad at my body. Talk about a rollercoaster. ALL I was hoping for this month was for a step in the right direction. Is that too much to ask? And the worst part was for a few weeks I really felt like my body WAS doing something. Nope.

Of course, Kyle is so supportive. And God love him for that, but nothing really makes me feel better, honestly. I know people are "sorry" and I appreciate that there really isn't much else to say, but I wish that was enough to shrink this pit in my stomach. I know its still early. I get that. But, we need to get to the ovulation phase and then we can actually "trying". I don't really think of us as "trying" yet, because we can't really "try" until there is a real possibility that something could happen.

I'm trying to keep my head up, trust me I am. I know it doesn't sound like I am by this post, but it makes me feel better to purge these feelings. And lets be honest, this process brings the good and the bad, the ups and the downs.

And for the record, we are having a wonderful vacay and I'm determined not to let this stand in my way for the rest of it!

Eastward Bound

Well, we are getting out of dodge for a few days -- 10 to be exact! My cousin is getting married on the East coast and then we are taking the opportunity to do some sight seeing on the way home. It comes at a good time for many reasons, really. For one, Kyle is in desperate need of a break, we could really use some quality time together, and its Week #2 of our two-week-wait. No testing now until the very end of our trip so I can mentally put it behind me and ENJOY myself! I am actually going to try and wait until we get home to test, but I did throw in a HPT just in case the mood strikes.

At the very least, though, I'm just hoping for a high progesterone level! I'm headed to the Lab Corp in Milford, DE Monday morning to get the test done and then, my guess is that, I'll hear from my doctor a day or two after that. Keep those fingers and toes crossed, please:)

Testing Clarification

I realized I should probably clarify this whole madness that is testing. At this point I am just testing for an impending ovulation, not for pregnancy. As I said before, at this point the first battle is just getting my body to let go of a freakin' egg! But unlike pregnancy tests, seeing two lines isn't a clear positive. The test line has to be as dark or darker than the control line. But, many times not the WHOLE test line is as dark or darker so at least 50% of the test line needs to be as dark or darker. Who the hell can tell what half of a millimeter wide line is?! Certainly not me.

Cautiously Optimistic

Ok, so on the fertility front, things "seem" to be headed in the right direction. This whole testing thing, though, seems like there is a lot of room for error. Some people/websites/resources say to do it at this time, not at that time, the line should look like that, and not like that, blah blah blah. It seems like everywhere you turn there is a different piece of advice or rule. Whatever, I've decided that I just have to take it all with a grain of salt and go with what seems like makes the most sense to me -- and to my closest advisors, of course.

We are leaving for vacation later this week and, boy, am I pumped. Kyle really needs a break and I'm looking forward to not spending the week behind a computer! Some of my favorite places are on this trip's to-do-list so I couldn't be happier. And of course, it will fun to see my Delaware fam and to expose Kyle to good 'ole Milford, DE.

Missing Kathy

It was August 1987, the first day of the 1st grade. My mom and I were waiting at the bus stop, me in the single-file line, her just supervising. At one point I looked over and noticed this woman with an infectous smile that was approaching my mom. She had a little girl with her who looked about my age, but I had never seen her before. My mom spoke to this woman for no more than a couple of minutes before they began laughing and acting as if they had known each other forever.

The next thing I knew, the little girl and our moms approached me and my mom said, "Honey, this is Amy, she is going to be coming to our house every morning before school." Huh?! Who is this girl and why is she coming to my house? And so it began.

Amy came to my house every morning from the 1st grade until high school. Her mom, Kathy, was a teacher and would drop Amy off in the mornings on her way to work. We would watch TV, eat cereal, and then my parents would take us to the bus stop in elementary school and then off to the middle school as we got older. And how happy was I when I got to ditch Latchkey and go to Amy's house after school instead?!

Our lifelong friendship began that August day because of Kathy. I have no idea why she picked my mom to talk to, she had never laid eyes on her before. I like to think its because she knew we were all meant to be in each other's lives. I feel so blessed to have gotten to spend nearly 12 years with Kathy in my life. She opened her home to me like I was her own and I adored being there with Amy because of her.

Amy, what a mom you have! I know that you are the mom you are today because of Kathy. I see her in you, and I see her in Matthew. Ten years later I can still hear her laugh and know she is smiling down on us each and every day.

CD11

Well, crap, one of the freelancing projects I was planning on working on this summer got canned. Luckily, I still have another site (thanks, Rae!) that I can work for, but I was liking the variety of topics that I could find between the two. I guess all good things must come to an end, but I would have liked to at least make it through the summer with that one. Oh, well. I'm torn between wanting to find something to replace it or just put my nose to the grindstone with the other. Ah, the joys of freelance writing.

--

So, today is CD11 (cycle day) and I'm supposed to officially start testing for ovulation tomorrow. I'm really trying to refrain from starting today because I know the chances of getting a surge (an LH surge detects impending ovulation) today are slim to none, but I feel like I might miss it if I wait. Riiight, last month it never happened and this month its going to miraculously occur early?! Hardly. But, there is something compulsive about me when it comes to this process. I feel like if I'm going to put my body through this that I'm going to take it as seriously as possible, without stressing over it. Although, I do admit there is a fine line.

Technically, you should ovulate between 4 and 10 days after your last dose of Clomid which means you could detect a surge as soon as 3 days after the last pill, which is still tomorrow. Either way it looks like I'm going to be on vacation when I'm going to need to get my blood drawn to track my progesterone levels. Which, I was initially concerned about having to find a Lab Corp on the East Coast, although we are mostly only going to large cities that have several, but now, honestly, I'm more worried about it effecting me on what is supposed to be Kyle and I's relaxing get away. If we got good news (and by good I mean just the news that I actually ovulated!) it would make for an even better week, but if I get the same call I got last month, I'm afraid it would effect me in a different direction. Yeah, yeah, I've heard it before, you are only on month #2, blah blah, but honestly, having gotten thrown into this feet first with no paddle, I feel like it isn't just a casual month #2, its been a very active two cycles. At this point, although a pregnancy is obviously the best news I could get, I just want to know that I can ovulate. Plus, you only get to try Clomid for 6 months before moving on to more invasive and serious efforts. Whew, ok, I feel better. I told you, this testing phase brings out the down-to-business part of me.

Having the summer off

Its sort of a mixed blessing, really. I like the flexibility, but boy is it hard to stay on task. My TV is downstairs with all of my DVRed shows that my husband won't watch, its turned into a beautiful, warm, sunny day, my garden needs mulching, I have a ton of errands to do, yet, "I'm at work". Its all a balance (I told you, I need big time reminding of this in every aspect of my life!), I mean I did watch one of my DVRed shows over lunch, and I am considering finishing my cousin's wedding gift during my next break, but I feel like I should be more productive during the hours I am actually doing WORK. It is only my fourth week so, hopefully, I'll find my groove here at some point, but until then I'll have to just keep yelling at myself to remind me to stay on track!

On the Clomid front, today is day 5 of 5 so I'm looking forward to the next stage...testing! Again, another mixed blessing in life. Its exciting at the prospect of everything actually working the way its supposed to and the potential miracle that it could lead to, but its also exhausting at the thought of the every day process of it. In some ways when you are just on the pills, you are just on the pills. There isn't anything else baby-related you can do so its sort of a more laid back time of the lineup (aside from the side effects, of course), but once you enter the testing phase its much more active and slightly more stressful!

Let the crazy begin

Ok, so I know I said that TTC wasn't going to take over my life, well today thats first and foremost on my mind thanks to my first dose this cycle of Clomid. Its double what I took last month and I can already feel the double crazy and a double dose of nausea. I really had high hopes to work through the symptoms today, but that definitely did not happen. I wrote one of the six articles I planned on writing today and the rest will just have to wait.

Luckily, my darling husband is very supportive and keeps telling me not to push myself to get it all done, I mean afterall I only have myself to answer to, but I still feel like if I set a goal for myself that I really should meet it. Oh well, no matter how much I wanted to meet the goal for today, Clomid had other plans.

The husband is going to be out of town all of tomorrow and most of Sunday. Originally I thought this was "good timing" because I will be on Clomid all weekend, but now I'm starting to feel its "bad timing". I feel like I'm going to need him more this weekend and am afraid that I'm going to let my hormonal-self stay at home to rip out my own hair. I have made plans with a very dear (and pregnant) friend to walk in the afternoon so hopefully since that will force me to leave the house, that will break the cycle of hibernation before it can begin.

Balance

So, it only seems appropriate, as a self-proclaimed "writer", to document what feels like a significant time in my life. I've been married for almost 11 months now, I just finished my first year in a job that I really see as a career, I'm starting graduate school in a few months, AND we're trying to conceive.

Each of these things on their own would have been exciting enough, but all together there are days that I just can't handle all the excitement -- or the stress, call it what you will. Having the summer off from my "real job" (I work at a school) at least gives me a little more time to focus on the other exciting things going on. Ok, really, it seems like its just giving me time to focus on my freelance writing and trying to conceive. I haven't quite been able to wrap my brain around going back to school yet, and quite honestly, I don't find that near as scary as TTC.

It actually feels slightly weird to write out Trying To Conceive. I've talked about it, I've read about it, yet haven't actually written about it. We are only on month #2 which is probably why I haven't really had that chance yet, but in just a few short months we went from "we'll start trying this summer" to taking 100mg of Clomid. My Doc knew that trying on our own would be fruitless given the out of wack body I have so she suggested we try Clomid to get us going. I always thought of Clomid, what little I knew, as something for people who had been trying for a long time or who are "infertile", but yet here I am on month #2 of it.

As that could be an entire blog in itself, I'm going to stop myself right there. I started this blog to remind myself, and my hypothetical/potential followers, that there are so many things in life to juggle that, although some of them take precedence at times, we need to maintain balance. I can't worry about TTC every second of every day just like I can't worry about finishing my work every second of every day. Balance is good for the soul, good for the heart, and even better for the relationships in your life, which at the end of the day is about the only thing you can count on for sure.