Plans

Alright, so I feel pretty good about the plan that I've worked out with my Dr. Basically, we are just going to do my HSG (a dye test to clear out any potential blockages in the fallopian tubes) and Kyle's SA (semen analysis) a month early. She was totally fine with giving me an early referral to the specialist, but explained that I was going to need to have these tests done regardless so I could choose to do them with her or at the new practice. Since I adore by OB, yeah I know 'adore' is a strange word to be in the same sentence as 'OB' but for those of you who know my odd medical history it should make some sense, I chose to have her do my procedure.

So, then, the nurse explained that many women are "more fertile" during the cycle that they have the HSG done along with the following 2 or 3 cycles. The more we talked it seemed silly to 'waste' this opportunity to potentially be more fertile, so I'm going to go ahead with taking the 150 mg of Clomid for this next cycle. I'm slightly torn with the fact that I still won't be getting the additional monitoring for this next cycle, but at least I do feel like we are doing something more active then just taking the pills and waiting to see what happens.

Next Steps

There is something refreshing about standing up for yourself. Don't get me wrong, I love my doctor, but I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere and I really wanted to use my 6 'alotted' Clomid cycles wisely. When I called the nurse today to tell her that I'm not even having any PMS symptoms, much less a period, I also told her that I would like an early referral to the RE (reproductive endocronologist) so that I can receive more monitoring during my cycle. I was relieved when she all but encouraged my decision. It made me feel even more confidant that I made the right one.


Barring a 'no' from the doctor, the next step is to have a consult with the specialist. All the anxiety I was having about making that decision is long gone and I feel pretty good about doing something more active. Being able to know exactly what is going on down there every few days already makes me feel better -- even just at the prospect.

Home Sweet Home

We made it home safe and sound and, boy, am I happy to be home. We had a ball on vacation, but 10 days is a long time to live out of a suitcase -- especially when you are moving that suitcase around every few days.

Reality was definitely there to greet me when I got here, but I was going to have to face it at some point or another. I have a lot of work to do to make up for being away for so long so I'm going to try my darndest to focus this week! I know I need to make some decisions about what to do for our next cycle, but I'm just not quite ready to that.

I keep going back and forth about the pros and cons of staying with the OB for another cycle or asking to be referred a cycle early. My mom and Kyle have both urged me to ask my Dr. for an early referral, but for some reason I'm still not 100% sure that thats the best thing. The planner in me, of course, says "this isn't working..move on!", but the practical part of me is saying "its only been two months..be patient!" OK, I don't really hear voices in my head, but you get what I'm saying.

I'm supposed to call my OB if I don't get my period by today or tomorrow (I laughed out loud when the nurse asked me when I was expecting to get AF) so I'll need to make a decision soon.

A few East coast goodies

We are on stop #4 of our East coast trip and loving every minute of it. From a familiy wedding in the STATE of Delaware to Central Park, we've seen quite a bit in these last few days!



Enjoy some of my favorites so far:

Big Fat Nothing

Well, I'm sitting here in NYC and I can't help but be a little bummed. The doctor called today, no O. I was so bummed I didn't even ask her what my progesterone level was, all she said was "it wasn't good." Blah. A week ago I really thought I had O'd, but as my temperatures continued to fluctuate I had prepared myself that maybe it hadn't really happened. As prepared as I thought I was, my eyes stilled welled up in the middle of Chinatown -- great.

Now for some choices. The nurse said the plan would be to go up to 150mg of Clomid for next month along with a SA (semen analysis) and to clear out my tubes for any potential blockages. She also had me keep my (once hypothetical) consult on July 15 to discuss further options. My decision lies in the fact that my OB doesn't do further monitoring during the cycles such as ultra sounds -- I know, I know, some people think this is a big no-no, but I really trust my Dr. I sort of feel like OPKs obviously aren't working for me so in order to take out some of the guesswork I need some more monitoring. BUT, I don't want to jump the gun either just because I'm impatient. So, do I do another month with the OB or ask for a referral a month early?!

Grr. I'm so mad at my body. Talk about a rollercoaster. ALL I was hoping for this month was for a step in the right direction. Is that too much to ask? And the worst part was for a few weeks I really felt like my body WAS doing something. Nope.

Of course, Kyle is so supportive. And God love him for that, but nothing really makes me feel better, honestly. I know people are "sorry" and I appreciate that there really isn't much else to say, but I wish that was enough to shrink this pit in my stomach. I know its still early. I get that. But, we need to get to the ovulation phase and then we can actually "trying". I don't really think of us as "trying" yet, because we can't really "try" until there is a real possibility that something could happen.

I'm trying to keep my head up, trust me I am. I know it doesn't sound like I am by this post, but it makes me feel better to purge these feelings. And lets be honest, this process brings the good and the bad, the ups and the downs.

And for the record, we are having a wonderful vacay and I'm determined not to let this stand in my way for the rest of it!

Eastward Bound

Well, we are getting out of dodge for a few days -- 10 to be exact! My cousin is getting married on the East coast and then we are taking the opportunity to do some sight seeing on the way home. It comes at a good time for many reasons, really. For one, Kyle is in desperate need of a break, we could really use some quality time together, and its Week #2 of our two-week-wait. No testing now until the very end of our trip so I can mentally put it behind me and ENJOY myself! I am actually going to try and wait until we get home to test, but I did throw in a HPT just in case the mood strikes.

At the very least, though, I'm just hoping for a high progesterone level! I'm headed to the Lab Corp in Milford, DE Monday morning to get the test done and then, my guess is that, I'll hear from my doctor a day or two after that. Keep those fingers and toes crossed, please:)

Testing Clarification

I realized I should probably clarify this whole madness that is testing. At this point I am just testing for an impending ovulation, not for pregnancy. As I said before, at this point the first battle is just getting my body to let go of a freakin' egg! But unlike pregnancy tests, seeing two lines isn't a clear positive. The test line has to be as dark or darker than the control line. But, many times not the WHOLE test line is as dark or darker so at least 50% of the test line needs to be as dark or darker. Who the hell can tell what half of a millimeter wide line is?! Certainly not me.

Cautiously Optimistic

Ok, so on the fertility front, things "seem" to be headed in the right direction. This whole testing thing, though, seems like there is a lot of room for error. Some people/websites/resources say to do it at this time, not at that time, the line should look like that, and not like that, blah blah blah. It seems like everywhere you turn there is a different piece of advice or rule. Whatever, I've decided that I just have to take it all with a grain of salt and go with what seems like makes the most sense to me -- and to my closest advisors, of course.

We are leaving for vacation later this week and, boy, am I pumped. Kyle really needs a break and I'm looking forward to not spending the week behind a computer! Some of my favorite places are on this trip's to-do-list so I couldn't be happier. And of course, it will fun to see my Delaware fam and to expose Kyle to good 'ole Milford, DE.

Missing Kathy

It was August 1987, the first day of the 1st grade. My mom and I were waiting at the bus stop, me in the single-file line, her just supervising. At one point I looked over and noticed this woman with an infectous smile that was approaching my mom. She had a little girl with her who looked about my age, but I had never seen her before. My mom spoke to this woman for no more than a couple of minutes before they began laughing and acting as if they had known each other forever.

The next thing I knew, the little girl and our moms approached me and my mom said, "Honey, this is Amy, she is going to be coming to our house every morning before school." Huh?! Who is this girl and why is she coming to my house? And so it began.

Amy came to my house every morning from the 1st grade until high school. Her mom, Kathy, was a teacher and would drop Amy off in the mornings on her way to work. We would watch TV, eat cereal, and then my parents would take us to the bus stop in elementary school and then off to the middle school as we got older. And how happy was I when I got to ditch Latchkey and go to Amy's house after school instead?!

Our lifelong friendship began that August day because of Kathy. I have no idea why she picked my mom to talk to, she had never laid eyes on her before. I like to think its because she knew we were all meant to be in each other's lives. I feel so blessed to have gotten to spend nearly 12 years with Kathy in my life. She opened her home to me like I was her own and I adored being there with Amy because of her.

Amy, what a mom you have! I know that you are the mom you are today because of Kathy. I see her in you, and I see her in Matthew. Ten years later I can still hear her laugh and know she is smiling down on us each and every day.

CD11

Well, crap, one of the freelancing projects I was planning on working on this summer got canned. Luckily, I still have another site (thanks, Rae!) that I can work for, but I was liking the variety of topics that I could find between the two. I guess all good things must come to an end, but I would have liked to at least make it through the summer with that one. Oh, well. I'm torn between wanting to find something to replace it or just put my nose to the grindstone with the other. Ah, the joys of freelance writing.

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So, today is CD11 (cycle day) and I'm supposed to officially start testing for ovulation tomorrow. I'm really trying to refrain from starting today because I know the chances of getting a surge (an LH surge detects impending ovulation) today are slim to none, but I feel like I might miss it if I wait. Riiight, last month it never happened and this month its going to miraculously occur early?! Hardly. But, there is something compulsive about me when it comes to this process. I feel like if I'm going to put my body through this that I'm going to take it as seriously as possible, without stressing over it. Although, I do admit there is a fine line.

Technically, you should ovulate between 4 and 10 days after your last dose of Clomid which means you could detect a surge as soon as 3 days after the last pill, which is still tomorrow. Either way it looks like I'm going to be on vacation when I'm going to need to get my blood drawn to track my progesterone levels. Which, I was initially concerned about having to find a Lab Corp on the East Coast, although we are mostly only going to large cities that have several, but now, honestly, I'm more worried about it effecting me on what is supposed to be Kyle and I's relaxing get away. If we got good news (and by good I mean just the news that I actually ovulated!) it would make for an even better week, but if I get the same call I got last month, I'm afraid it would effect me in a different direction. Yeah, yeah, I've heard it before, you are only on month #2, blah blah, but honestly, having gotten thrown into this feet first with no paddle, I feel like it isn't just a casual month #2, its been a very active two cycles. At this point, although a pregnancy is obviously the best news I could get, I just want to know that I can ovulate. Plus, you only get to try Clomid for 6 months before moving on to more invasive and serious efforts. Whew, ok, I feel better. I told you, this testing phase brings out the down-to-business part of me.

Having the summer off

Its sort of a mixed blessing, really. I like the flexibility, but boy is it hard to stay on task. My TV is downstairs with all of my DVRed shows that my husband won't watch, its turned into a beautiful, warm, sunny day, my garden needs mulching, I have a ton of errands to do, yet, "I'm at work". Its all a balance (I told you, I need big time reminding of this in every aspect of my life!), I mean I did watch one of my DVRed shows over lunch, and I am considering finishing my cousin's wedding gift during my next break, but I feel like I should be more productive during the hours I am actually doing WORK. It is only my fourth week so, hopefully, I'll find my groove here at some point, but until then I'll have to just keep yelling at myself to remind me to stay on track!

On the Clomid front, today is day 5 of 5 so I'm looking forward to the next stage...testing! Again, another mixed blessing in life. Its exciting at the prospect of everything actually working the way its supposed to and the potential miracle that it could lead to, but its also exhausting at the thought of the every day process of it. In some ways when you are just on the pills, you are just on the pills. There isn't anything else baby-related you can do so its sort of a more laid back time of the lineup (aside from the side effects, of course), but once you enter the testing phase its much more active and slightly more stressful!