Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Big Fat Nothing

Well, I'm sitting here in NYC and I can't help but be a little bummed. The doctor called today, no O. I was so bummed I didn't even ask her what my progesterone level was, all she said was "it wasn't good." Blah. A week ago I really thought I had O'd, but as my temperatures continued to fluctuate I had prepared myself that maybe it hadn't really happened. As prepared as I thought I was, my eyes stilled welled up in the middle of Chinatown -- great.

Now for some choices. The nurse said the plan would be to go up to 150mg of Clomid for next month along with a SA (semen analysis) and to clear out my tubes for any potential blockages. She also had me keep my (once hypothetical) consult on July 15 to discuss further options. My decision lies in the fact that my OB doesn't do further monitoring during the cycles such as ultra sounds -- I know, I know, some people think this is a big no-no, but I really trust my Dr. I sort of feel like OPKs obviously aren't working for me so in order to take out some of the guesswork I need some more monitoring. BUT, I don't want to jump the gun either just because I'm impatient. So, do I do another month with the OB or ask for a referral a month early?!

Grr. I'm so mad at my body. Talk about a rollercoaster. ALL I was hoping for this month was for a step in the right direction. Is that too much to ask? And the worst part was for a few weeks I really felt like my body WAS doing something. Nope.

Of course, Kyle is so supportive. And God love him for that, but nothing really makes me feel better, honestly. I know people are "sorry" and I appreciate that there really isn't much else to say, but I wish that was enough to shrink this pit in my stomach. I know its still early. I get that. But, we need to get to the ovulation phase and then we can actually "trying". I don't really think of us as "trying" yet, because we can't really "try" until there is a real possibility that something could happen.

I'm trying to keep my head up, trust me I am. I know it doesn't sound like I am by this post, but it makes me feel better to purge these feelings. And lets be honest, this process brings the good and the bad, the ups and the downs.

And for the record, we are having a wonderful vacay and I'm determined not to let this stand in my way for the rest of it!

1 comment:

  1. I originally just wrote the f word. But then I wasn't sure who read this. That just really sucks, Emily. All you can do is take it one month at a time. I've been there and I understand the disappointment.

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