Just when I was feeling good about this month, we had a little set-back. The doctor called (herself, not the nurse) and told me that the Radiologist suspects I might have a cyst on my right ovary. Hmm. Apparently he can't see it on the x-ray, but the way the dye is "spilling" out of my tubes, its pouring over something. She said it could be nothing, or it could be something. The only way to know for sure is to have an ultrasound.
Fine, I'm fine with the ultrasound part -- after what I went through on Monday, I'm not phased -- its more emotional then anything. And a little anxiety, of course, but mostly I'm just bummed because I could feel my chances for things going well this month quickly slipping out of my reach as the dr. was talking. If it is a cyst, the chances of the Clomid working, along with the HSG, are null. And I'll never know if that cyst was there before or whether it was brought on by the meds. Grrr. Either way, I'm sure we are going to have to take some time off which is what frustrates me the most.
If one more person tells me that "its only been a few months" I am going to scream. I'm really not sure people hear me when I say that its not that I expected to be pregnant by now, I'm just asking for my flippin' parts to work. And the other thing about that is when you are taking serious meds, you can't just "kind of" try. You have to put your heart and soul into it which is extremely draining.
I had my first (major) emotional breakdown about all of this this week. All the frustration and attempts to stay positive, not to mention the extra boost of hormones, just came to a head. I think it was good, though. It made me feel a little better and it kind of set me back on the right track. I am desperately trying to remind myself that I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but when you are in the midst of it -- heart and soul -- its so hard to keep that in sight.
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Ouch!
Boy, did that suck. I had my HSG procedure done yesterday where they basically "flush" out your fallopian tubes. Wow. Apparently it hurt worse for me because the dye took longer to spill out of one side. She thinks that that side was slightly twisted as well as blocked, but the dye was able to get it back in the right place as well as clear the blockage. Sweet. One more thing to check off the list, I guess, so that's good. I'm really glad that part is behind me.
I finished this cycle of Clomid on Saturday so I'll be in the testing phase this week. Again, always a mixed blessing. I get excited for this part at the prospect of things actually working, but I also get anxious because even those times I've thought things were doing their job, they in fact were not. Although, the doctor did say something yesterday that made me wonder if this HSG thing will actually do the trick. She said that just because my progesterone has been low 7 days after my LH surge, that that doesn't necessarily mean I'm not ovulating, it could just mean the process just never finishes -- which could be caused by a blocked and twisted tube.
Keep all the positive vibes you've got to spare headed my way!
I finished this cycle of Clomid on Saturday so I'll be in the testing phase this week. Again, always a mixed blessing. I get excited for this part at the prospect of things actually working, but I also get anxious because even those times I've thought things were doing their job, they in fact were not. Although, the doctor did say something yesterday that made me wonder if this HSG thing will actually do the trick. She said that just because my progesterone has been low 7 days after my LH surge, that that doesn't necessarily mean I'm not ovulating, it could just mean the process just never finishes -- which could be caused by a blocked and twisted tube.
Keep all the positive vibes you've got to spare headed my way!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Trying new things
I'm home from a great week with my grandparents in North Carolina. They live in this adorable retirement community that closely resembles a resort. We ate in the "Club House" every night for dinner, took their yappy dog for walks during the day, and lounged around on their porch chatting and reading. It was relaxing and gave me some really good quality time with my mom and sister as well as my awesome grandparents.
While we were there I got my (medically induced) period! Whoo hoo. That's true excitement, really. For most that means the annoying unwanted visitor, but for me it means the start of the next cycle. This cycle we tested Kyle -- he got rave reviews --, I have my HSG procedure scheduled for the 20th and my Clomid dosage has been bumped up another 50mg to a whopping 150mg. In addition to the medical things, I'm really interested in some of the natural ways to get your body back on track. I'm not so certain about the really radical herbs and such, but I do believe in this new Fertility Diet book I found while I was in NC. It is essentially the way I eat now, it just has you cutting out refined carbs, certain types of fats, and creating a different nutritional balance. The book is based on a study with 18,000+ nurses from all over the country so it seems pretty legit.
Another thing I'm trying, and I'm slightly embarrassed to admit this, is the Lunaception method. Remember, at this point I would just be thrilled to actually OVULATE. Lunaception is essentially a method centered around the moon. The idea is that you would sleep in complete darkness for days 1-13, then you would sleep with artificial moonlight (a nightlight, or hall light) for nights 14,15 and 16, and then you would go back to complete darkness. The thought is that your body would menstruate with the new moon during the first phase and then ovulate with the full moon in the middle of your cycle. Again, there have been a few studies where many women, after a few cycles, were able to regulate their cycles to correspond with the moon. Who knows, with an extra cover on the windows, it seems like its worth a try.
Clearly, I am trying to up my odds with every cycle. Any other ideas? I'll take 'em!
While we were there I got my (medically induced) period! Whoo hoo. That's true excitement, really. For most that means the annoying unwanted visitor, but for me it means the start of the next cycle. This cycle we tested Kyle -- he got rave reviews --, I have my HSG procedure scheduled for the 20th and my Clomid dosage has been bumped up another 50mg to a whopping 150mg. In addition to the medical things, I'm really interested in some of the natural ways to get your body back on track. I'm not so certain about the really radical herbs and such, but I do believe in this new Fertility Diet book I found while I was in NC. It is essentially the way I eat now, it just has you cutting out refined carbs, certain types of fats, and creating a different nutritional balance. The book is based on a study with 18,000+ nurses from all over the country so it seems pretty legit.
Another thing I'm trying, and I'm slightly embarrassed to admit this, is the Lunaception method. Remember, at this point I would just be thrilled to actually OVULATE. Lunaception is essentially a method centered around the moon. The idea is that you would sleep in complete darkness for days 1-13, then you would sleep with artificial moonlight (a nightlight, or hall light) for nights 14,15 and 16, and then you would go back to complete darkness. The thought is that your body would menstruate with the new moon during the first phase and then ovulate with the full moon in the middle of your cycle. Again, there have been a few studies where many women, after a few cycles, were able to regulate their cycles to correspond with the moon. Who knows, with an extra cover on the windows, it seems like its worth a try.
Clearly, I am trying to up my odds with every cycle. Any other ideas? I'll take 'em!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Round 3
Being in between cycles was kind of nice this past week. No pills, no testing, just going about my day "normally". That ended Monday. I went in for bloodwork just so that they could tell me I wasn't pregnant in order to start the next cycle. Its kind of amusing, really. 'As far as we can tell, you didn't ovulate, but maybe you're pregnant.' Ha. I almost feel bad for the nurses every time we go through this drill because they think they are delivering bad news when in reality, I'd be shocked if they had said anything else!
So, I started the progesterone pills last night in order to have yet another medically induced period. Whatever, it feels good to be starting the next cycle. Especially since we added two additional tests this time. Kyle is a real trooper. He went in for 'his test' yesterday and was a really good sport about it. Not that I expected any different, but guys aren't as secure about all this testing as women, and as a friend of mine pointed out, its more socially taboo to talk about the guy's part in all of this. So, he went in, did his thing, and has remained in really good humor. It felt really nice, for once, to have some of this testing be his responsibility instead of mine.
So, I started the progesterone pills last night in order to have yet another medically induced period. Whatever, it feels good to be starting the next cycle. Especially since we added two additional tests this time. Kyle is a real trooper. He went in for 'his test' yesterday and was a really good sport about it. Not that I expected any different, but guys aren't as secure about all this testing as women, and as a friend of mine pointed out, its more socially taboo to talk about the guy's part in all of this. So, he went in, did his thing, and has remained in really good humor. It felt really nice, for once, to have some of this testing be his responsibility instead of mine.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Next Steps
There is something refreshing about standing up for yourself. Don't get me wrong, I love my doctor, but I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere and I really wanted to use my 6 'alotted' Clomid cycles wisely. When I called the nurse today to tell her that I'm not even having any PMS symptoms, much less a period, I also told her that I would like an early referral to the RE (reproductive endocronologist) so that I can receive more monitoring during my cycle. I was relieved when she all but encouraged my decision. It made me feel even more confidant that I made the right one.
Barring a 'no' from the doctor, the next step is to have a consult with the specialist. All the anxiety I was having about making that decision is long gone and I feel pretty good about doing something more active. Being able to know exactly what is going on down there every few days already makes me feel better -- even just at the prospect.
Barring a 'no' from the doctor, the next step is to have a consult with the specialist. All the anxiety I was having about making that decision is long gone and I feel pretty good about doing something more active. Being able to know exactly what is going on down there every few days already makes me feel better -- even just at the prospect.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Big Fat Nothing
Well, I'm sitting here in NYC and I can't help but be a little bummed. The doctor called today, no O. I was so bummed I didn't even ask her what my progesterone level was, all she said was "it wasn't good." Blah. A week ago I really thought I had O'd, but as my temperatures continued to fluctuate I had prepared myself that maybe it hadn't really happened. As prepared as I thought I was, my eyes stilled welled up in the middle of Chinatown -- great.
Now for some choices. The nurse said the plan would be to go up to 150mg of Clomid for next month along with a SA (semen analysis) and to clear out my tubes for any potential blockages. She also had me keep my (once hypothetical) consult on July 15 to discuss further options. My decision lies in the fact that my OB doesn't do further monitoring during the cycles such as ultra sounds -- I know, I know, some people think this is a big no-no, but I really trust my Dr. I sort of feel like OPKs obviously aren't working for me so in order to take out some of the guesswork I need some more monitoring. BUT, I don't want to jump the gun either just because I'm impatient. So, do I do another month with the OB or ask for a referral a month early?!
Grr. I'm so mad at my body. Talk about a rollercoaster. ALL I was hoping for this month was for a step in the right direction. Is that too much to ask? And the worst part was for a few weeks I really felt like my body WAS doing something. Nope.
Of course, Kyle is so supportive. And God love him for that, but nothing really makes me feel better, honestly. I know people are "sorry" and I appreciate that there really isn't much else to say, but I wish that was enough to shrink this pit in my stomach. I know its still early. I get that. But, we need to get to the ovulation phase and then we can actually "trying". I don't really think of us as "trying" yet, because we can't really "try" until there is a real possibility that something could happen.
I'm trying to keep my head up, trust me I am. I know it doesn't sound like I am by this post, but it makes me feel better to purge these feelings. And lets be honest, this process brings the good and the bad, the ups and the downs.
And for the record, we are having a wonderful vacay and I'm determined not to let this stand in my way for the rest of it!
Now for some choices. The nurse said the plan would be to go up to 150mg of Clomid for next month along with a SA (semen analysis) and to clear out my tubes for any potential blockages. She also had me keep my (once hypothetical) consult on July 15 to discuss further options. My decision lies in the fact that my OB doesn't do further monitoring during the cycles such as ultra sounds -- I know, I know, some people think this is a big no-no, but I really trust my Dr. I sort of feel like OPKs obviously aren't working for me so in order to take out some of the guesswork I need some more monitoring. BUT, I don't want to jump the gun either just because I'm impatient. So, do I do another month with the OB or ask for a referral a month early?!
Grr. I'm so mad at my body. Talk about a rollercoaster. ALL I was hoping for this month was for a step in the right direction. Is that too much to ask? And the worst part was for a few weeks I really felt like my body WAS doing something. Nope.
Of course, Kyle is so supportive. And God love him for that, but nothing really makes me feel better, honestly. I know people are "sorry" and I appreciate that there really isn't much else to say, but I wish that was enough to shrink this pit in my stomach. I know its still early. I get that. But, we need to get to the ovulation phase and then we can actually "trying". I don't really think of us as "trying" yet, because we can't really "try" until there is a real possibility that something could happen.
I'm trying to keep my head up, trust me I am. I know it doesn't sound like I am by this post, but it makes me feel better to purge these feelings. And lets be honest, this process brings the good and the bad, the ups and the downs.
And for the record, we are having a wonderful vacay and I'm determined not to let this stand in my way for the rest of it!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Let the crazy begin
Ok, so I know I said that TTC wasn't going to take over my life, well today thats first and foremost on my mind thanks to my first dose this cycle of Clomid. Its double what I took last month and I can already feel the double crazy and a double dose of nausea. I really had high hopes to work through the symptoms today, but that definitely did not happen. I wrote one of the six articles I planned on writing today and the rest will just have to wait.
Luckily, my darling husband is very supportive and keeps telling me not to push myself to get it all done, I mean afterall I only have myself to answer to, but I still feel like if I set a goal for myself that I really should meet it. Oh well, no matter how much I wanted to meet the goal for today, Clomid had other plans.
The husband is going to be out of town all of tomorrow and most of Sunday. Originally I thought this was "good timing" because I will be on Clomid all weekend, but now I'm starting to feel its "bad timing". I feel like I'm going to need him more this weekend and am afraid that I'm going to let my hormonal-self stay at home to rip out my own hair. I have made plans with a very dear (and pregnant) friend to walk in the afternoon so hopefully since that will force me to leave the house, that will break the cycle of hibernation before it can begin.
Luckily, my darling husband is very supportive and keeps telling me not to push myself to get it all done, I mean afterall I only have myself to answer to, but I still feel like if I set a goal for myself that I really should meet it. Oh well, no matter how much I wanted to meet the goal for today, Clomid had other plans.
The husband is going to be out of town all of tomorrow and most of Sunday. Originally I thought this was "good timing" because I will be on Clomid all weekend, but now I'm starting to feel its "bad timing". I feel like I'm going to need him more this weekend and am afraid that I'm going to let my hormonal-self stay at home to rip out my own hair. I have made plans with a very dear (and pregnant) friend to walk in the afternoon so hopefully since that will force me to leave the house, that will break the cycle of hibernation before it can begin.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Balance
So, it only seems appropriate, as a self-proclaimed "writer", to document what feels like a significant time in my life. I've been married for almost 11 months now, I just finished my first year in a job that I really see as a career, I'm starting graduate school in a few months, AND we're trying to conceive.
Each of these things on their own would have been exciting enough, but all together there are days that I just can't handle all the excitement -- or the stress, call it what you will. Having the summer off from my "real job" (I work at a school) at least gives me a little more time to focus on the other exciting things going on. Ok, really, it seems like its just giving me time to focus on my freelance writing and trying to conceive. I haven't quite been able to wrap my brain around going back to school yet, and quite honestly, I don't find that near as scary as TTC.
It actually feels slightly weird to write out Trying To Conceive. I've talked about it, I've read about it, yet haven't actually written about it. We are only on month #2 which is probably why I haven't really had that chance yet, but in just a few short months we went from "we'll start trying this summer" to taking 100mg of Clomid. My Doc knew that trying on our own would be fruitless given the out of wack body I have so she suggested we try Clomid to get us going. I always thought of Clomid, what little I knew, as something for people who had been trying for a long time or who are "infertile", but yet here I am on month #2 of it.
As that could be an entire blog in itself, I'm going to stop myself right there. I started this blog to remind myself, and my hypothetical/potential followers, that there are so many things in life to juggle that, although some of them take precedence at times, we need to maintain balance. I can't worry about TTC every second of every day just like I can't worry about finishing my work every second of every day. Balance is good for the soul, good for the heart, and even better for the relationships in your life, which at the end of the day is about the only thing you can count on for sure.
Each of these things on their own would have been exciting enough, but all together there are days that I just can't handle all the excitement -- or the stress, call it what you will. Having the summer off from my "real job" (I work at a school) at least gives me a little more time to focus on the other exciting things going on. Ok, really, it seems like its just giving me time to focus on my freelance writing and trying to conceive. I haven't quite been able to wrap my brain around going back to school yet, and quite honestly, I don't find that near as scary as TTC.
It actually feels slightly weird to write out Trying To Conceive. I've talked about it, I've read about it, yet haven't actually written about it. We are only on month #2 which is probably why I haven't really had that chance yet, but in just a few short months we went from "we'll start trying this summer" to taking 100mg of Clomid. My Doc knew that trying on our own would be fruitless given the out of wack body I have so she suggested we try Clomid to get us going. I always thought of Clomid, what little I knew, as something for people who had been trying for a long time or who are "infertile", but yet here I am on month #2 of it.
As that could be an entire blog in itself, I'm going to stop myself right there. I started this blog to remind myself, and my hypothetical/potential followers, that there are so many things in life to juggle that, although some of them take precedence at times, we need to maintain balance. I can't worry about TTC every second of every day just like I can't worry about finishing my work every second of every day. Balance is good for the soul, good for the heart, and even better for the relationships in your life, which at the end of the day is about the only thing you can count on for sure.
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